Sometimes I just wish I had a hand to hold.

Focus on the future, kiddo.  

The past holds nothing for you but memories.

The truth about kids.

I'm 35 years old. 40 is creeping up on me faster than I ever thought possible.  I made the decision to have kids almost 10 years ago.  Over 100 menstrual cycles, each a reminder that the clock is ticking.  Since I made that decision, I have been a parent, but not a mother.  I have heard "not now", "later", "now's not a good time" so many times that I've come to believe that there is no good time.  I have been told yes, made plans to stop taking birth control, only to find out that he was a lying, cheating bastard and was just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me complacent.  I've had a scare or two, though none too serious.  Sure, I could "forget" to take my pill and steal some poor guy's baby batter, but that's not within the realm of my capabilities.  Even though I believe there's no good time, there are things I would like to have before I bring another person into this world.  For as much as it's worth these days, I want to be married.  I want to have that promise. That they will stick by my side, no exceptions.  Good, bad, boring, heartbreaking, and everything else that life is.  I would prefer to have a planned pregnancy, but who wouldn't?  I would like to have a home. A tiny home, preferably.  Sure, space is limited, but I want my family to CONNECT.  To learn how to live and love and grow together, as a unit.  I would really like to have the farm started.  At least the land purchased.  If/when I conceive, I will have to go home.  I will not deny my mom her grandbabies, as I know that is something she has wanted for a very long time.  Since I was 19.  I have no interest in raising my children away from my family.  I want my mom by my side. My aunties and cousins.  My friends.  My sister.  I want my babies to play with the babies of people I knew as children.  I want my babies to have a father who is a good man, who will treat them with love and respect, who will love them enough to do the hard things, who will be my partner 100%.  Someone I love deeply and who is just as in love with me.

The problem is that by the time I get to the point where I want to have kids with someone else, I'm going to be pretty old to be bearing children.  I think at this point, I would already be considered high risk.  I don't really want to be 60 at my kid's graduation, but I don't want to die alone even more.  I can't bear the thought of never becoming a mother.  So much so that the very prospect brings me to tears on a daily basis.

I try to think of it as "if it happens, it happens", put the good vibes out into the universe, and hope it'll all work out the way I want it to... but nothing ever does.  I suppose it'll all work out the way it's supposed to in the end.  ROMANS 8:28.  Let go and let God.

A thought or two on "beauty"

On my journey of self-love, I have done some pretty weird shit to acknowledge, accept, and love all the parts of me.  I have danced naked in front of a mirror, jiggling as hard as I could. More than once. Until it made me laugh instead of cry.

My most recent challenge has been giving up my tiny magnifying mirror and tweezers.
I did well without them for a while.  My skin started clearing up and looking a little healthier and my brows... brow was growing in nicely.  Then I found them and pick my bad habit right back up.  My skin is breaking out again and looks like crap because I can't stop examining my skin and picking at it.  I just need to chuck the damned thing out into the street.

My brow, however, is beginning to grow into its full German glory.  I have been tweezing a little.  Just the very middle and the ones that get tangled in my eyelashes.  I haven't seen it fully grown in since middle school.  There are a few patchy spots, but they are starting to fill in.  And a lot of the new growth is grey!

I've always been envious of men and their ability to grow facial hair.
To heck with your beards and muttonchops!
I have BROW-WOW.
I might tweeze it again, I might not.

Never Too Late

Beverly "Guitar" Watkins - "Back In Business"

It's never too late to be what you might have been. - George Eliot
This has always been my favorite quote.  The problem is that I want to BE ALL THE THINGS.

The horizon is once again open, and this time, I do believe I shall land my ship in Goat Harbor.
I have applied for a live-in internship with Broken Shovels Farm, a no-kill dairy goat farm about 15 minutes north of downtown Denver.

Oh. My. Goats.

I wouldn't be able to start until my apartment lease is up in August, but I'll buy an RV and beg her to let me live and work if I have to!

There are federal farm ownership loans available, but some require at least 3 years of experience, which I don't have.

Update: I applied to Broken Shovels on Sunday, today is Thursday, still no word, but I also applied for a pretty sick work-from-home job. Fingers crossed.

Also, I'm researching tiny homes.  Researching, that's funny.
Also, I'm so completely obsessed with the thought of my own tiny home that I designed a 3D model of my dream tiny home, WinzigHaus!  And I'm working up a budget for it.

Figuring out just what the hell it is I want is becoming quite a challenge.  As far as the THINGS I want, I know I want a tiny house, and I'm going to build it myself from plans based on the model I made. I want solar power, a composting toilet, and large water storage.  A goat farm, yes, but the house must come first.  A place to live that is mine. That no one can take away from me.

But things, things, things.  Things are not the answer.
Moving to a tiny house would require an incredible amount of downsizing, which is fabulous.  I've been feeling very bogged down by my possessions lately.

Which brings me back to the point:
What do I want in my life?
Freedom.  From? Everything. I'd love to go off grid completely.
Independence and self sufficiency
The ability to travel

Agh. It's all so...ethereal.

A goal with out a plan is just a dream.

So what's the plan, man?

1) Get back to work.  Hopefully at new job.
2) Work ass off.
3) Save as much as possible.
4) Find large barn/ storage for rent, tall enough to build in.
5) Buy trailer for Winzighaus, put in storage
6) Buy truck with towing capacity for finished haus
7) Work and buy materials, using recycled materials as much as possible
8) Build a little at a time
9) Finish haus
10) Seek on-site, full time internship at goat farm.
11) Live in haus on farm, work on farm
12) Save for land
13) Have goat farm
14) Wake up every morning and exclaim "Fuck yeah! My life is fucking awesome!"
15) Die.

Fuck yeah.

Too spoon?

Would it be wrong

to doodle your name in my sketchbook

over and over and over

until the letters lost their meaning

became scratches

surrounded by clouds

birds

smiley faces

to so imbue the page with ink and longing

that I might whisper my reverie to life?

Incredible.

0330.

I should be asleep, I'm sure, but I'm in such a lot of pain. I'm also on a lot of drugs. Neither of which are keeping me awake.

I'm full of joy to the point of bursting.  

Might be tamales.

Finally!!

I am only 2 days away from getting my back fixed.
After almost 20 years.
My mind is kinda blown right now.

I'll be having a microdiscectomy and a laminotomy.  The doctor will go in and clean up all the disc fragments and remove some of the disc to reduce the pressure and hopefully the hernia will reduce in size.  Then he will go into the bone surrounding the nerves and clean up any remaining disc fragments and bone spurs to give the nerves more room.

It's an outpatient procedure in the morning, and I should be home before dinner.  The recovery time should only be about 2 weeks, and then I should be good to go.

I can't even imagine what life will be like without pain.  I mean, I know there will still be pain, but my back will be fixed.

My back will be fixed.
My back will be fixed.
My back will be fixed.
My back will be fixed.
My back will be fixed.

Look out, world. You are my oyster and I'm going to schuck you.

A thought on connection.

Capital Cities - "Safe and Sound"

I'm obviously on a Capital Cities kick right now, but can you blame me? 

I love this song, but I had never seen the video until today.

STONEY SUPERPOWERS ENGAGE!

The song I put aside for a moment and look at just the video itself.

It's a multi-generational, multi-cultural time warp dance off. The content of the song doesn't really matter, it's just the song that everyone is dancing to.

Downbubble 47...

I believe that music is proof of intelligent design. It is the one thing that connects all humans everywhere from the time music was invented or discovered or whatever to now, and the intellectual aspect of human music separates us from the other inhabitants of this planet.  Yes, birds sing, but do they compose? Do they experiment? Do they try over and over, failing until they get it right? (I'm going to have to look that up. Maybe I just found my doctoral thesis.)

I think this video is a celebration of our connections to one another, across the globe and throughout time.  It is a happy reminder that even though we are all very different, and although change is inevitable, we are all connected, and really the same in the end. 

The video looks like heaven (the Christian one) to me. Maybe Nirvana (the Buddhist one).  Everyone accepting everyone else, enjoying each other's company and experience. Just getting along and gettin' down. 

And the song just kicks ass. A song about a deep, unshakable connection to another human being.  Not necessarily romantic, but not NOT romantic, either.

It's all about connection, man....

So, music is the one thing that connects us all. 

Humans are pretty fucking amazing when we're not busy being dickheads about shit that doesn't matter.  

That's enough waxing philosophical for one morning.

These are really good drugs, man.

It's good shit.

Capital Cities - "Farrah Fawcett Hair"

The last few weeks have been pretty stressful and incredibly depressing.  After a long drive in the mountains the other day, I decided that I needed to put more effort into positive thinking, more focus on what makes me happy rather than what's making me miserable.

So what makes me happy?

Right now? Opiates. HA. I'm a little loopy.

Riding my bike in the rain.  Daffodils.  Standing with my toes in the mighty Pacific, feeling small.  The smell of strawberry fields in the morning.  Holding hands.  Fresh picked blackberries, warm from the sun.  Taking a 4 hour bubble bath and reading a book.  Lightning storms.  Hiking slowly, taking time to experience it.  The smell of lavender and chamomile.  Slipping between clean sheets when I'm fresh from the shower.  Maps.  Listening to music and singing and dancing to it like a fool when I'm alone.  Dreams of the sea and of sailing away.  Sitting quietly and watching birds.  The way he makes me feel.  Beachcombing.  A good whiskey and a fine cigar.  Petting Princess Voldemort.  The way my mom smells.  Spending the day at a coffee shop, reading a book and ignoring the world at large.  Fresh caught, field dressed trout cooked over a campfire.  Holding my loved ones close.  The way my body aches after a day of hard work.  Learning. Always learning.  Morning sex followed by orange juice and croissants. And a shower.  Traveling as far and for as long as possible. And as often as possible.  My favorite sweatpants and hoodie, fresh from the dryer.  Puddlejumping!  Warm, sweetened milk with vanilla and nutmeg.  Spending time with Calamity, especially outside.  Art, in all its many forms.  Mexican culture.  Listening to marimba and mariachi bands while eating tortas cubanos in el zocalo in Oaxaca.  Mezcal.  The way music beats through my veins.  Burying my face in spring's first rain kissed lilacs.  Justin Timberlake.  Lifting weights.  The austere beauty of the Aleutian Islands in midwinter.  Sleeping, preferably not alone.  Sketching.  Snowflakes so big you can see each one clearly.  Creating meals for people I care about.  Mediterranean food.  Sipping mimosas while getting a spa pedicure in a massage chair.  The miracle that is the human body.  Running on a treadmill.  The hum of bike tires on pavement.  Making things evolve from sheets of metal, especially copper.  The moment the solder starts to flow.  Sunrise.  Drinking my own beer.  The burgeoning of spring.  Baking pies.  Driving fast with the windows down and the music up.  The way cherry blossoms fall like pink snow in Portland.  Flying a kite.  Yoga.  Planning a trip to Finland to stay at an ice hotel and watch the Aurora Borealis.  Hats, bags, and shoes.  Trying new things, eating new foods, seeing new places, smelling new smells.  Cheese.  Working the dirt with my hands, making things grow.   The smell of diesel exhaust.  Volunteering.  The kindness and generosity that surprises me on a daily basis.  Muscle cars.  Finding cool shit at thrift stores and yard sales.  Independence.  Watching the sky.  Freedom.  Spreading lovingkindness around the universe as much as I possibly can.  Plaid flannel shirts.  Following the Eight Fold Path.  Realizing the Four Noble Truths.  Belt buckles and tooled leather belts.  Doing absolutely nothing at all.

Wow.  That was an interesting experiment.  I actually feel a lot better!  It took hours longer than I thought it would, but when you're writing down the things that make you happy, the longer, the better, I suppose.

(heh...heh...  Shut up, Beavis.)

As a part of my "aggressive self love", I have given my little super magnifying mirror and my good tweezers to my roommate and asked her to hide them from me.  It is a difficult but necessary step away from that particular neurosis.  I think healthier skin and less visible forehead space will be the most severe side effects.  Just another bad habit to break.  Going to have to spend more on waxing, though.

Just a little while longer... then I'll be all fixed up and ready to take on the world!
But for now, the drugs are wearing off and it's past my bedtime,,, I'm overdue for some very sweet dreams!

Hope on the horizon

I got to see my specialist today, Dr. Jatana.  He was absolutely wonderful. I expected him to be hesitant to agree to surgery, but he told me that he can get me in a week from tomorrow, pending insurance approval.
And he gave me some meds for the pain!
I'm very much not in pain right now. How lovely it is!

He also agreed to fill out my short term disability and FMLA paperwork, so I am officially off work as of yesterday.  There's a 7 day waiting period before I can collect disability payments, but I have enough FMLA time and points left that I can be out for as long as 10 weeks.  It should only be about a month, which will give me time to work a bunch before classes start in August and I drop to part-time.

There's a possibility I won't lose the car.

Now I just have to remember what all my old college logins are...

I've never been good at keeping a journal.

A year and 8 months later.

Life has, once again, pulled the rug out from under me.  Where do I even start?

I suppose I'll skip back a few posts...

In April, 2013, I got a roommate, whom I met online.  He seemed like a great guy, not a weirdo, and it seemed like we would make good roommates, even friends.

We started dating after 2 months.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:

NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT.

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT, EVEN WHEN YOUR HEAD AND HEART DISAGREE.

DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU ARE TOLD.

I AM NOT PARANOID-SCHIZOPHRENIC.


For 18 months, I let him knock me down (not physically), inch by miserable inch, until I felt so worthless and disgusting that I didn't want to live anymore.  He broke me in ways I didn't know I could be broken.
He would usually answer my verbal requests for sex with "maybe" or "later".
He told me all the things I wanted to hear and that he would give me all the things I wanted.  We even planned for me to stop taking the pill on my 35th birthday so we could start trying for a family.
He would physically flinch away from me when I tried to touch him. EVERY TIME.
He lied and lied and lied and lied. About everything. Stupid shit, like where he found the misplaced set of sheets. Devastating shit, like taking dicks from Craigslist up his ass. Everything.
I would tell myself over and over and over "He wouldn't do that. He's a good man. He loves you", ignoring the constant feeling that he was lying to me, until I finally sought professional help because I thought I was developing paranoid schizophrenia.

Funny how the moment I told him it was over, I felt sane again.

(At this point, I have to touch on the subject of Karmic Debt.  As horrible as he was to me, I feel I deserved every bit of it, having been the same kind of person in the past and having done the same kinds of things.  I feel much worse about the person I was than I do about the fallout from this relationship.  I never realized just how incredibly devastating my actions were until I experienced them for myself.  I have certainly learned my lesson.  He was the FIRST partner I've ever had that I was completely honest with (about everything) and completely faithful to.  For as long as I inhabit this body, I will never inflict that kind of pain on another living being.

Boy, howdy, that Karma sure is a nasty bitch.

On December 13th, I moved his shit out of our room and put a lock on the door.
(Also the first time I wore the Max Azria dress in public... to the company Christmas party.)

On Christmas Eve, I had a full STD panel done. Clean, thankyougod.

Nothing to do but kick some grass over that shit and move on.

On Valentine's Day, I moved into a new apartment with a friend/coworker. It's working out much better than I expected, but then again, I am a finicky pain in the ass.

THE IDES OF MARCH - Started seeing a guy. He's pretty rad, but then again, I seem to have horrible taste in partners. Men especially. Time will tell.

Now, I had expected, by March, to be pretty well over things, but here it is, the end of April, and I'm still coping.
Can you say "SELF-IMAGE, TRUST AND INTIMACY ISSUES"?

I have a stable job at the moment, as a reservations agent, which is good.
I have health insurance and FMLA, which is really good.
The job at the bird rescue was seasonal, unfortunately, but I learned a lot!

I have a herniated disc in my back, between L5 & S1, and moving really took a toll.  I have missed a lot of work this year already because of it.
I worked a whopping 4 hours this week. Out of 40.

I'm also looking at surgery for my back.
I had some steroid/lidocaine injected into my spine, and it only lasted about a month.
Not much else on the surgery front until my appointment next week.
You know it's bad when you're planning on begging your doctor to cut you open and futz with your spine.

As for the future?
I'm planning on going back to school this fall to finish my Bachelor's Degree in Biology.
I have applied for admissions to MSU Denver and filled out my FAFSA.
I'm going to focus on Ornithology, because I want to get paid to look at birds.
I'm not sure what my minor will be. Brewing Science? Art? Geology?
Hopefully the surgery will fix me enough to get back on my bike, since I won't have a car.

Still planning on sailing the fuck outta Dodge.

More importantly, the present...
The constant pain has affected my depression pretty seriously.  Most days, I wish I could just pop out of existence.
I remind myself many times a day that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
I've been practicing "aggressive self love" every day, too, which generally consists of standing naked in front of the mirror and saying "I love you" to all the parts of me I hate.
I'm incredibly homesick, and I feel so alone sometimes.
I have been cigarette free for almost 5 months.

And so I don't forget, Calamity The Courageous Cowdog and Voldemort are the best furrykids a petmom could have. Without them, I never would have made it to 35.

blargle.