Friday, May 22, 2015

The truth about kids.

I'm 35 years old. 40 is creeping up on me faster than I ever thought possible.  I made the decision to have kids almost 10 years ago.  Over 100 menstrual cycles, each a reminder that the clock is ticking.  Since I made that decision, I have been a parent, but not a mother.  I have heard "not now", "later", "now's not a good time" so many times that I've come to believe that there is no good time.  I have been told yes, made plans to stop taking birth control, only to find out that he was a lying, cheating bastard and was just telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me complacent.  I've had a scare or two, though none too serious.  Sure, I could "forget" to take my pill and steal some poor guy's baby batter, but that's not within the realm of my capabilities.  Even though I believe there's no good time, there are things I would like to have before I bring another person into this world.  For as much as it's worth these days, I want to be married.  I want to have that promise. That they will stick by my side, no exceptions.  Good, bad, boring, heartbreaking, and everything else that life is.  I would prefer to have a planned pregnancy, but who wouldn't?  I would like to have a home. A tiny home, preferably.  Sure, space is limited, but I want my family to CONNECT.  To learn how to live and love and grow together, as a unit.  I would really like to have the farm started.  At least the land purchased.  If/when I conceive, I will have to go home.  I will not deny my mom her grandbabies, as I know that is something she has wanted for a very long time.  Since I was 19.  I have no interest in raising my children away from my family.  I want my mom by my side. My aunties and cousins.  My friends.  My sister.  I want my babies to play with the babies of people I knew as children.  I want my babies to have a father who is a good man, who will treat them with love and respect, who will love them enough to do the hard things, who will be my partner 100%.  Someone I love deeply and who is just as in love with me.

The problem is that by the time I get to the point where I want to have kids with someone else, I'm going to be pretty old to be bearing children.  I think at this point, I would already be considered high risk.  I don't really want to be 60 at my kid's graduation, but I don't want to die alone even more.  I can't bear the thought of never becoming a mother.  So much so that the very prospect brings me to tears on a daily basis.

I try to think of it as "if it happens, it happens", put the good vibes out into the universe, and hope it'll all work out the way I want it to... but nothing ever does.  I suppose it'll all work out the way it's supposed to in the end.  ROMANS 8:28.  Let go and let God.

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