A thought on connection.

Capital Cities - "Safe and Sound"

I'm obviously on a Capital Cities kick right now, but can you blame me? 

I love this song, but I had never seen the video until today.

STONEY SUPERPOWERS ENGAGE!

The song I put aside for a moment and look at just the video itself.

It's a multi-generational, multi-cultural time warp dance off. The content of the song doesn't really matter, it's just the song that everyone is dancing to.

Downbubble 47...

I believe that music is proof of intelligent design. It is the one thing that connects all humans everywhere from the time music was invented or discovered or whatever to now, and the intellectual aspect of human music separates us from the other inhabitants of this planet.  Yes, birds sing, but do they compose? Do they experiment? Do they try over and over, failing until they get it right? (I'm going to have to look that up. Maybe I just found my doctoral thesis.)

I think this video is a celebration of our connections to one another, across the globe and throughout time.  It is a happy reminder that even though we are all very different, and although change is inevitable, we are all connected, and really the same in the end. 

The video looks like heaven (the Christian one) to me. Maybe Nirvana (the Buddhist one).  Everyone accepting everyone else, enjoying each other's company and experience. Just getting along and gettin' down. 

And the song just kicks ass. A song about a deep, unshakable connection to another human being.  Not necessarily romantic, but not NOT romantic, either.

It's all about connection, man....

So, music is the one thing that connects us all. 

Humans are pretty fucking amazing when we're not busy being dickheads about shit that doesn't matter.  

That's enough waxing philosophical for one morning.

These are really good drugs, man.

It's good shit.

Capital Cities - "Farrah Fawcett Hair"

The last few weeks have been pretty stressful and incredibly depressing.  After a long drive in the mountains the other day, I decided that I needed to put more effort into positive thinking, more focus on what makes me happy rather than what's making me miserable.

So what makes me happy?

Right now? Opiates. HA. I'm a little loopy.

Riding my bike in the rain.  Daffodils.  Standing with my toes in the mighty Pacific, feeling small.  The smell of strawberry fields in the morning.  Holding hands.  Fresh picked blackberries, warm from the sun.  Taking a 4 hour bubble bath and reading a book.  Lightning storms.  Hiking slowly, taking time to experience it.  The smell of lavender and chamomile.  Slipping between clean sheets when I'm fresh from the shower.  Maps.  Listening to music and singing and dancing to it like a fool when I'm alone.  Dreams of the sea and of sailing away.  Sitting quietly and watching birds.  The way he makes me feel.  Beachcombing.  A good whiskey and a fine cigar.  Petting Princess Voldemort.  The way my mom smells.  Spending the day at a coffee shop, reading a book and ignoring the world at large.  Fresh caught, field dressed trout cooked over a campfire.  Holding my loved ones close.  The way my body aches after a day of hard work.  Learning. Always learning.  Morning sex followed by orange juice and croissants. And a shower.  Traveling as far and for as long as possible. And as often as possible.  My favorite sweatpants and hoodie, fresh from the dryer.  Puddlejumping!  Warm, sweetened milk with vanilla and nutmeg.  Spending time with Calamity, especially outside.  Art, in all its many forms.  Mexican culture.  Listening to marimba and mariachi bands while eating tortas cubanos in el zocalo in Oaxaca.  Mezcal.  The way music beats through my veins.  Burying my face in spring's first rain kissed lilacs.  Justin Timberlake.  Lifting weights.  The austere beauty of the Aleutian Islands in midwinter.  Sleeping, preferably not alone.  Sketching.  Snowflakes so big you can see each one clearly.  Creating meals for people I care about.  Mediterranean food.  Sipping mimosas while getting a spa pedicure in a massage chair.  The miracle that is the human body.  Running on a treadmill.  The hum of bike tires on pavement.  Making things evolve from sheets of metal, especially copper.  The moment the solder starts to flow.  Sunrise.  Drinking my own beer.  The burgeoning of spring.  Baking pies.  Driving fast with the windows down and the music up.  The way cherry blossoms fall like pink snow in Portland.  Flying a kite.  Yoga.  Planning a trip to Finland to stay at an ice hotel and watch the Aurora Borealis.  Hats, bags, and shoes.  Trying new things, eating new foods, seeing new places, smelling new smells.  Cheese.  Working the dirt with my hands, making things grow.   The smell of diesel exhaust.  Volunteering.  The kindness and generosity that surprises me on a daily basis.  Muscle cars.  Finding cool shit at thrift stores and yard sales.  Independence.  Watching the sky.  Freedom.  Spreading lovingkindness around the universe as much as I possibly can.  Plaid flannel shirts.  Following the Eight Fold Path.  Realizing the Four Noble Truths.  Belt buckles and tooled leather belts.  Doing absolutely nothing at all.

Wow.  That was an interesting experiment.  I actually feel a lot better!  It took hours longer than I thought it would, but when you're writing down the things that make you happy, the longer, the better, I suppose.

(heh...heh...  Shut up, Beavis.)

As a part of my "aggressive self love", I have given my little super magnifying mirror and my good tweezers to my roommate and asked her to hide them from me.  It is a difficult but necessary step away from that particular neurosis.  I think healthier skin and less visible forehead space will be the most severe side effects.  Just another bad habit to break.  Going to have to spend more on waxing, though.

Just a little while longer... then I'll be all fixed up and ready to take on the world!
But for now, the drugs are wearing off and it's past my bedtime,,, I'm overdue for some very sweet dreams!

Hope on the horizon

I got to see my specialist today, Dr. Jatana.  He was absolutely wonderful. I expected him to be hesitant to agree to surgery, but he told me that he can get me in a week from tomorrow, pending insurance approval.
And he gave me some meds for the pain!
I'm very much not in pain right now. How lovely it is!

He also agreed to fill out my short term disability and FMLA paperwork, so I am officially off work as of yesterday.  There's a 7 day waiting period before I can collect disability payments, but I have enough FMLA time and points left that I can be out for as long as 10 weeks.  It should only be about a month, which will give me time to work a bunch before classes start in August and I drop to part-time.

There's a possibility I won't lose the car.

Now I just have to remember what all my old college logins are...

I've never been good at keeping a journal.

A year and 8 months later.

Life has, once again, pulled the rug out from under me.  Where do I even start?

I suppose I'll skip back a few posts...

In April, 2013, I got a roommate, whom I met online.  He seemed like a great guy, not a weirdo, and it seemed like we would make good roommates, even friends.

We started dating after 2 months.

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:

NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT.

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT, EVEN WHEN YOUR HEAD AND HEART DISAGREE.

DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU ARE TOLD.

I AM NOT PARANOID-SCHIZOPHRENIC.


For 18 months, I let him knock me down (not physically), inch by miserable inch, until I felt so worthless and disgusting that I didn't want to live anymore.  He broke me in ways I didn't know I could be broken.
He would usually answer my verbal requests for sex with "maybe" or "later".
He told me all the things I wanted to hear and that he would give me all the things I wanted.  We even planned for me to stop taking the pill on my 35th birthday so we could start trying for a family.
He would physically flinch away from me when I tried to touch him. EVERY TIME.
He lied and lied and lied and lied. About everything. Stupid shit, like where he found the misplaced set of sheets. Devastating shit, like taking dicks from Craigslist up his ass. Everything.
I would tell myself over and over and over "He wouldn't do that. He's a good man. He loves you", ignoring the constant feeling that he was lying to me, until I finally sought professional help because I thought I was developing paranoid schizophrenia.

Funny how the moment I told him it was over, I felt sane again.

(At this point, I have to touch on the subject of Karmic Debt.  As horrible as he was to me, I feel I deserved every bit of it, having been the same kind of person in the past and having done the same kinds of things.  I feel much worse about the person I was than I do about the fallout from this relationship.  I never realized just how incredibly devastating my actions were until I experienced them for myself.  I have certainly learned my lesson.  He was the FIRST partner I've ever had that I was completely honest with (about everything) and completely faithful to.  For as long as I inhabit this body, I will never inflict that kind of pain on another living being.

Boy, howdy, that Karma sure is a nasty bitch.

On December 13th, I moved his shit out of our room and put a lock on the door.
(Also the first time I wore the Max Azria dress in public... to the company Christmas party.)

On Christmas Eve, I had a full STD panel done. Clean, thankyougod.

Nothing to do but kick some grass over that shit and move on.

On Valentine's Day, I moved into a new apartment with a friend/coworker. It's working out much better than I expected, but then again, I am a finicky pain in the ass.

THE IDES OF MARCH - Started seeing a guy. He's pretty rad, but then again, I seem to have horrible taste in partners. Men especially. Time will tell.

Now, I had expected, by March, to be pretty well over things, but here it is, the end of April, and I'm still coping.
Can you say "SELF-IMAGE, TRUST AND INTIMACY ISSUES"?

I have a stable job at the moment, as a reservations agent, which is good.
I have health insurance and FMLA, which is really good.
The job at the bird rescue was seasonal, unfortunately, but I learned a lot!

I have a herniated disc in my back, between L5 & S1, and moving really took a toll.  I have missed a lot of work this year already because of it.
I worked a whopping 4 hours this week. Out of 40.

I'm also looking at surgery for my back.
I had some steroid/lidocaine injected into my spine, and it only lasted about a month.
Not much else on the surgery front until my appointment next week.
You know it's bad when you're planning on begging your doctor to cut you open and futz with your spine.

As for the future?
I'm planning on going back to school this fall to finish my Bachelor's Degree in Biology.
I have applied for admissions to MSU Denver and filled out my FAFSA.
I'm going to focus on Ornithology, because I want to get paid to look at birds.
I'm not sure what my minor will be. Brewing Science? Art? Geology?
Hopefully the surgery will fix me enough to get back on my bike, since I won't have a car.

Still planning on sailing the fuck outta Dodge.

More importantly, the present...
The constant pain has affected my depression pretty seriously.  Most days, I wish I could just pop out of existence.
I remind myself many times a day that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
I've been practicing "aggressive self love" every day, too, which generally consists of standing naked in front of the mirror and saying "I love you" to all the parts of me I hate.
I'm incredibly homesick, and I feel so alone sometimes.
I have been cigarette free for almost 5 months.

And so I don't forget, Calamity The Courageous Cowdog and Voldemort are the best furrykids a petmom could have. Without them, I never would have made it to 35.

blargle.