Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Friday, May 22, 2015
The problem is that by the time I get to the point where I want to have kids with someone else, I'm going to be pretty old to be bearing children. I think at this point, I would already be considered high risk. I don't really want to be 60 at my kid's graduation, but I don't want to die alone even more. I can't bear the thought of never becoming a mother. So much so that the very prospect brings me to tears on a daily basis.
I try to think of it as "if it happens, it happens", put the good vibes out into the universe, and hope it'll all work out the way I want it to... but nothing ever does. I suppose it'll all work out the way it's supposed to in the end. ROMANS 8:28. Let go and let God.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
On my journey of self-love, I have done some pretty weird shit to acknowledge, accept, and love all the parts of me. I have danced naked in front of a mirror, jiggling as hard as I could. More than once. Until it made me laugh instead of cry.
My most recent challenge has been giving up my tiny magnifying mirror and tweezers.
I did well without them for a while. My skin started clearing up and looking a little healthier and my brows... brow was growing in nicely. Then I found them and pick my bad habit right back up. My skin is breaking out again and looks like crap because I can't stop examining my skin and picking at it. I just need to chuck the damned thing out into the street.
My brow, however, is beginning to grow into its full German glory. I have been tweezing a little. Just the very middle and the ones that get tangled in my eyelashes. I haven't seen it fully grown in since middle school. There are a few patchy spots, but they are starting to fill in. And a lot of the new growth is grey!
I've always been envious of men and their ability to grow facial hair.
To heck with your beards and muttonchops!
I have BROW-WOW.
I might tweeze it again, I might not.
Beverly "Guitar" Watkins - "Back In Business"
It's never too late to be what you might have been. - George Eliot
This has always been my favorite quote. The problem is that I want to BE ALL THE THINGS.
The horizon is once again open, and this time, I do believe I shall land my ship in Goat Harbor.
I have applied for a live-in internship with Broken Shovels Farm, a no-kill dairy goat farm about 15 minutes north of downtown Denver.
Oh. My. Goats.
I wouldn't be able to start until my apartment lease is up in August, but I'll buy an RV and beg her to let me live and work if I have to!
There are federal farm ownership loans available, but some require at least 3 years of experience, which I don't have.
Update: I applied to Broken Shovels on Sunday, today is Thursday, still no word, but I also applied for a pretty sick work-from-home job. Fingers crossed.
Also, I'm researching tiny homes. Researching, that's funny.
Also, I'm so completely obsessed with the thought of my own tiny home that I designed a 3D model of my dream tiny home, WinzigHaus! And I'm working up a budget for it.
Figuring out just what the hell it is I want is becoming quite a challenge. As far as the THINGS I want, I know I want a tiny house, and I'm going to build it myself from plans based on the model I made. I want solar power, a composting toilet, and large water storage. A goat farm, yes, but the house must come first. A place to live that is mine. That no one can take away from me.
But things, things, things. Things are not the answer.
Moving to a tiny house would require an incredible amount of downsizing, which is fabulous. I've been feeling very bogged down by my possessions lately.
Which brings me back to the point:
What do I want in my life?
Freedom. From? Everything. I'd love to go off grid completely.
Independence and self sufficiency
The ability to travel
Agh. It's all so...ethereal.
A goal with out a plan is just a dream.
So what's the plan, man?
1) Get back to work. Hopefully at new job.
2) Work ass off.
3) Save as much as possible.
4) Find large barn/ storage for rent, tall enough to build in.
5) Buy trailer for Winzighaus, put in storage
6) Buy truck with towing capacity for finished haus
7) Work and buy materials, using recycled materials as much as possible
8) Build a little at a time
9) Finish haus
10) Seek on-site, full time internship at goat farm.
11) Live in haus on farm, work on farm
12) Save for land
13) Have goat farm
14) Wake up every morning and exclaim "Fuck yeah! My life is fucking awesome!"