Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I've never been good at keeping a journal.

A year and 8 months later.

Life has, once again, pulled the rug out from under me.  Where do I even start?

I suppose I'll skip back a few posts...

In April, 2013, I got a roommate, whom I met online.  He seemed like a great guy, not a weirdo, and it seemed like we would make good roommates, even friends.

We started dating after 2 months.






For 18 months, I let him knock me down (not physically), inch by miserable inch, until I felt so worthless and disgusting that I didn't want to live anymore.  He broke me in ways I didn't know I could be broken.
He would usually answer my verbal requests for sex with "maybe" or "later".
He told me all the things I wanted to hear and that he would give me all the things I wanted.  We even planned for me to stop taking the pill on my 35th birthday so we could start trying for a family.
He would physically flinch away from me when I tried to touch him. EVERY TIME.
He lied and lied and lied and lied. About everything. Stupid shit, like where he found the misplaced set of sheets. Devastating shit, like taking dicks from Craigslist up his ass. Everything.
I would tell myself over and over and over "He wouldn't do that. He's a good man. He loves you", ignoring the constant feeling that he was lying to me, until I finally sought professional help because I thought I was developing paranoid schizophrenia.

Funny how the moment I told him it was over, I felt sane again.

(At this point, I have to touch on the subject of Karmic Debt.  As horrible as he was to me, I feel I deserved every bit of it, having been the same kind of person in the past and having done the same kinds of things.  I feel much worse about the person I was than I do about the fallout from this relationship.  I never realized just how incredibly devastating my actions were until I experienced them for myself.  I have certainly learned my lesson.  He was the FIRST partner I've ever had that I was completely honest with (about everything) and completely faithful to.  For as long as I inhabit this body, I will never inflict that kind of pain on another living being.

Boy, howdy, that Karma sure is a nasty bitch.

On December 13th, I moved his shit out of our room and put a lock on the door.
(Also the first time I wore the Max Azria dress in public... to the company Christmas party.)

On Christmas Eve, I had a full STD panel done. Clean, thankyougod.

Nothing to do but kick some grass over that shit and move on.

On Valentine's Day, I moved into a new apartment with a friend/coworker. It's working out much better than I expected, but then again, I am a finicky pain in the ass.

THE IDES OF MARCH - Started seeing a guy. He's pretty rad, but then again, I seem to have horrible taste in partners. Men especially. Time will tell.

Now, I had expected, by March, to be pretty well over things, but here it is, the end of April, and I'm still coping.

I have a stable job at the moment, as a reservations agent, which is good.
I have health insurance and FMLA, which is really good.
The job at the bird rescue was seasonal, unfortunately, but I learned a lot!

I have a herniated disc in my back, between L5 & S1, and moving really took a toll.  I have missed a lot of work this year already because of it.
I worked a whopping 4 hours this week. Out of 40.

I'm also looking at surgery for my back.
I had some steroid/lidocaine injected into my spine, and it only lasted about a month.
Not much else on the surgery front until my appointment next week.
You know it's bad when you're planning on begging your doctor to cut you open and futz with your spine.

As for the future?
I'm planning on going back to school this fall to finish my Bachelor's Degree in Biology.
I have applied for admissions to MSU Denver and filled out my FAFSA.
I'm going to focus on Ornithology, because I want to get paid to look at birds.
I'm not sure what my minor will be. Brewing Science? Art? Geology?
Hopefully the surgery will fix me enough to get back on my bike, since I won't have a car.

Still planning on sailing the fuck outta Dodge.

More importantly, the present...
The constant pain has affected my depression pretty seriously.  Most days, I wish I could just pop out of existence.
I remind myself many times a day that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
I've been practicing "aggressive self love" every day, too, which generally consists of standing naked in front of the mirror and saying "I love you" to all the parts of me I hate.
I'm incredibly homesick, and I feel so alone sometimes.
I have been cigarette free for almost 5 months.

And so I don't forget, Calamity The Courageous Cowdog and Voldemort are the best furrykids a petmom could have. Without them, I never would have made it to 35.


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