Saturday, May 19, 2012


Today I was supposed to ride my first century ride, but since I sprained my shoulder in the accident, I had to cancel.  Instead, I had coffee with a friend, and was left with a lot to think about...

I am a meaning machine. I make meaning.
My life is empty and meaningless.
My life is an empty vessel, waiting to be filled with the meanings I create.

Currently, life as I see it is distorted by the many influencing experiences I have had, as though each experience is a set of lenses through which I view myself, others, and, in turn, my life:

-Growing up as an only child has left me feeling like I am alone, without community.

-The nicknames given to me by my parents as a child (uglybug, marshmallow, ug) have left me feeling like I will never be beautiful or desirable.

-Growing up in a home riddled with fear and abuse, both verbal and emotional, has left me hesitant to create strong emotional bonds with others, and led me to abusive relationships later in life.  This has exacerbated the feeling that I am alone in the world.

-Having a father who used to be abusive towards my mom and me, who had anger control issues, and who devalues the things I hold dear, does not keep his promises, and does not make an effort to express positive attitudes towards me has made it extremely hard for me to trust men.  This is a huge can of worms that has never been fully opened.  My therapist will make a lot of money off my daddy issues.

-The death of my sister (as well as my grammy and all the others, but mostly my sister) has left me with an underlying attitude/thought stream/script that nothing really matters, you can't take it with you, we are all going to die anyway, so what's the point?

Remove the lenses of influence, let go of the past.  Only then can you truly move forward.

If you peel away your fears, you are left with only the self.

My choices are mine to make, no one else's.  I can choose what I wish, but must own my choices.  In order for my choices to be truly mine, must they be free from the influences of the past? From the influences of others?

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