Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Patience & letting go...

Today, I feel like the universe is conspiring against me.  I feel like so much has gone wrong since my birthday, and things just keep going wrong.  At times, I wonder if I really have THAT MUCH karmic debt.  I have not been a wonderful person, so it's certainly possible.  I try to make amends when and where I can, but maybe it's not enough?

But that is the negative point of view.  Maybe the universe is trying to TEACH me something, and I just haven't gotten the message yet.

Patience has never been my forte, and although I have grown a lot in that area, sometimes I still struggle, especially when it comes to instant gratification.  I am having a hard time waiting for Enterprise to call me back about the job I applied for, and last night, I applied for a loan to hopefully make things happen faster.  My loan application was denied, and that's a good thing.  I don't need more debt, and I need to learn to live within my  means... and that means learning to let go.

I thought that letting go would be much easier than it is turning out to be.  Letting go of the desire for things to happen RIGHT NOW has proven to be one of the most difficult.  Let go and let God.  One day at a time.  Guess I actually learned something from all those AA meetings.  Letting go of my possessions is becoming a challenge as well.  Not for most things, but some things with sentimental value, especially things from my grandparents and great-grandparents.  I have been trying to figure out how to let these things go.  Perhaps give them to someone in the family who will cherish them as much as I do?  Keep a couple things out of a collection and let go of the rest?  Take pictures?  Just put them in storage?

The one thing that is the most difficult to let go of is my fear.  Fear of what my family will think, fear of losing people I care about, fear of spending my life alone, fear of failure... even fear of success, because succeeding means changing my entire life... means forging ahead into uncharted waters... means my life will never be the same.

So, universe, are you trying to teach me patience? Are you trying to show me that the path to my dreams winds its way past my attachments, leaving them behind as I strive towards my goal, or just that there is still a lot of work to be done?  The only way to find out is to be patient and see what happens.  Guess I have my answer.

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