Days like today...

Days like today remind me of Portland... Overcast, grey, cool...
There was a time when a day like today would put me in a mopey funk... depressed, lonely, anxious.

Anymore, though, grey days don't usually get me down.

It amazes me how much my life has changed (for the better) in the last year.  I'm off my depression meds, I have THREE jobs, a roof over my head, great friends, awesome pets, and I'm seeing the most wonderful man... He's really not like anyone else... nor is our relationship like any I've had before.  A little unorthodox, perhaps, but I was never much into following societal norms anyway.

It's funny... I sit down to write something poignant, and all I get is random thought-drivel.

Life is amazing once you learn to roll with it.  Best thing I ever did for myself was leaving it all behind and starting over.

You want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans!

:)

Spring has sprung!

It felt like winter went on forever.... Snow, then sun, then snow, then sun.  We had our last snow in early May, much to my dismay, but this week, the trees all turned green, all at once, as they are wont to do around here.

At any rate, life goes on, and it has, to my great enjoyment!
A long winter of letting go of the past and looking forward to the future has brightened my spring more than I ever thought was possible.  A quick run-down of this winter's events:

Had a visitor in October, subsequently decided to pull that weed from my garden.  Haven't planted anything in the empty space yet, but it's tilled, mulched, and ready to go!

Got a cat... then a dog.

Dated a couple of guys, nothing to write home about, but good for a laugh.

Decided that my job at the donut shop wasn't what I wanted, so I took a 50% pay cut and got the hell out of there and away from my creepy boss.

Since my finances took a steep downhill turn, I had to get a roommate... in my 1 bedroom apartment.  He moved in April 1st, and I consider myself very lucky to have found a roomie on teh intarwebs that isn't smelly, messy, or WEIRD.  Thankfully, my apartment has a huge bedroom, so we were able to convert it into two separate sleeping areas.  We get along really well and have a lot in common.  When my lease is up in September, we're going to get a bigger place.  2 bedrooms would be nice!

Last month, I got the MOST AWESOME JOB EVAR!

I work at a wild bird rescue/rehab, and I spend my days feeding babies, tending to the sick and injured, and cleaning up bird poo.  I love it.  I wish it paid more so that I could survive on just one job, but my second job isn't bad, and I really like the people I work with.

Most mornings, I wake up and think "Hell, yes, this is my life, and it's fucking amazing!"

I've been losing weight and getting healthy, though I still haven't kicked my tobacco habit.  I should be under 2 bills when I go home for a visit on July 4th.  I might come back with red hair.  We'll see.

Dating is stupid.  Online dating even more so.  I have yet to meet someone who doesn't annoy me or piss me off, much less anyone with the ability to impress me.  It's always fun to find out the answer to "why is this guy single?"

Sometimes I miss being in love, being a partner, having someone to hold.  I suppose it will come in good time, when I'm ready for it... which I'm not.  I think.

Bah! to feelings!  Sometimes I feel like I'll never want to let anyone else in as far as I let my ex-wife.  Like I'll never give anyone that level of trust again.  Why would I want to?  I know there were a lot of good times in my last relationship, but I'll be damned if I can remember them, remember the way I felt when I was wholly and unequivocally in love with someone whom I trusted implicitly.

Ah right.  I'm supposed to be letting go of the past.

So I'm single, been single for a year... I'm still happier than I've ever been in my life!  And if all else fails, I'll always have my dog. :)

Unrequited

“I looked for that which is not, nor can be,
And hope deferred made my heart sick, in truth;
But years must pass before a hope of youth
Is resigned utterly.

I watched and waited with a steadfast will:
And, tho' the object seemed to fly away
That I so longed for, ever, day by day,
I watched and waited still.

Sometimes I said,-'This thing shall be no more;
My expectation wearies, and shall cease;
I will resign it now, and be at peace.'-
Yet never gave it o'er.

Sometimes I said,-'It is an empty name
I long for; to a name why should I give
The peace of all the days I have to live?'-
Yet gave it all the same.

Alas! thou foolish one,- alike unfit
For healthy joy and salutary pain,
Thou knowest the chase useless, and again
Turnest to follow it.” 
― Rossetti Christina Georgina

Winter is coming

Some days are harder than others, but I'm doing better every day.  

I was looking through some old pictures the other day and I was reminded of how broken I still am.  Seeing photos of my old home, my old family, my old life really hit me hard and made me realize that as happy as I am, I'm still grieving on some level.  I'm still patching up my shattered heart.
I'm so glad I decided to go to a new place to heal.  I'm not sure if I would have been able to heal back home.

Sometimes it seems like such a slow process, but sometimes I feel like I've come a long way in a short amount of time.  I'm completely taken aback when I think about the person I used to be.  It's as though she was a different person entirely.  I suppose she was.  I'm actually beginning to like the person I have become.  It's a nice feeling.

I went on my first date in almost 9 years.  It went well, until I mentioned that I had been a lesbian for the past decade.  He never called me again.  That kinda hurt, but if someone can't accept and adore me just as I am, I don't want them.  I met a couple other guys, but they were both pretty... meh.

I'm waiting for someone to impress me.  Not that I'm entirely ready to actually date, but I deserve to be impressed.  I'm not talking flowers and jewelry and dinners (though they would be nice!)... but actions, demeanor, ethics, manners.  I can only think of one person who has really impressed me in the last few years, but that's a story for another day.

I was accepted into a volunteer position at the Denver Dumb Friends League as a Pet Grooming Specialist!  I worked my first shift, and it was awesome!  doggydoggydoggy!  They will teach me to groom, and I can use that knowledge to offer mobile grooming services!

I'll be getting interwebs at home this weekend, so I'll be able to do interwebby things more, and not this disjointed, 5 words at a time shit while I'm at work. :P

Up!

Six months ago, I never would have imagined that I would be where I am today.

I'm working 6 days a week at a cute little donut shop and, inane though it may be, I like my job.  It pays the bills and I never get stuck in rush hour traffic!

I have my own apartment, which I love, and I adopted a sweet kitty, whom I adore!

As much as I love my independence, I miss my friends.  It kinda sucks only having one friend, but I'm sure I'll meet more.

Some days are hard, and I do get lonely, but all things considered, my life has only gotten better since I decided to live it.

The nice thing about starting from the bottom is there's nowhere to go but up!

Letting go

14 years ago today, my sister, Jen, was involved in a tragic car accident that ended her life after only 18 years.

After 14 years of grieving, I am finally through mourning her death.

I often wonder who she would be today had she survived, and I am certain that she would have accomplished so much.  She was smart, funny, and beautiful.  She was focused, driven, and on a path that would have lead her to help a great number of people.

I never thought the anniversary of her death would come without the unbearable sense of loss, but it has.  If my faith in God is so strong, how can I continue to mourn her death?  I know she is in a peaceful place, full of beauty and free from pain.

She is loved and remembered by many, and I will always miss her, but rather than focus on the tragic circumstances of her death, why not remember her as a bright and beautiful young woman?

Perhaps I am a little callous, but it is time to let go of the grief and embrace the wonderful memories I have of her.  I know she is not gone.

I can hold fast to the great truth her death has allowed me to see:

If the good Lord wants to call me home, He will do so, no matter if I am on a leisurely drive, on a tiny plane heading toward some remote destination, or fast asleep in my own bed.

Thank you for showing me that I have nothing to fear.
I love you, Jen.
I'll see you on the flipside.

<3

...and then the stars came out!

The last couple months have proven to be quite a ride.

The great work-from-home opportunity didn't pan out, and I have decided to put my sailing dreams on hold for a bit.  The divorce, as it were, is definitely final, over and done with.  I am rebuilding my life and myself.  Amber 2.0 is currently in production.  It will be interesting to see the final product.

I am learning to put the past behind me.  Forgive and forget.  Let go and let God.

EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT.  Everything.

On Saturday, July 30th, I packed my little red Honda full of the things I can't live without, headed East on Interstate 84, and left the place I called home for 32 years.  

For the first time, I embarked on a journey with no definite end and all alone.

I left Portland a little behind schedule because I locked my keys in my car while stopping to say "See ya later" to an old friend, but by the time the sun went down, I was well past the Oregon/Idaho border and well on my way toward Utah. 

I will miss the majestic beauty of the Columbia River Gorge and the Cascades.  The smell of the evergreens in the rain.  The great storm formations and watching the clouds glide along the jet stream.  I will miss the Oregon coastline.  I will miss the ferns surrounding summer hikes.  I will miss the pink snow of falling cherry blossoms in the springtime, my favorite time of year. 

I will miss my home.

But I never looked back. 

For the record, all of the I-84 corridor through Idaho smells like manure... but if you hit it at just the right time, it smells like acres upon acres of sun-warmed potato fields.  Amazing.

I hit Ogden, Utah at around 1 AM and decided to forgo a visit to the ex-in-laws.  Hopefully I will get to see them again at some point, because I love them all very much, but I really wanted to keep going.  I wanted to pass the Wyoming border before I stopped for the night so that when I woke up the next day, EVERYTHING would be new, would be something I hadn't ever seen before.  

A new beginning.

Somewhere just East of Evanston, Wyoming,  I caught my first glimpse of the stars.  I needed to stop and sleep at some point, so I pulled to the side of the deserted freeway, left the engine running, and laid on the hood of my car to take in one of the most heartbeakingly stunning things I had ever seen.  There's really not a whole lot in Wyoming, but it's pretty... Pretty flat.  Also pretty dark.  I've never been in a place with ZERO light pollution before.  The night was crystal clear and I could see every star in the sky, all the way down to the flat horizon.  I'd never seen anything like it except in a planetarium.  I laid there as long as I could stand it, because although it had been about 102 degrees during the day, the temperature dropped dramatically after dark.

The next morning, after sleeping in a car with no space available except the space essential to driving, I found that cellular service was a part of  "things Wyoming does not have".  This also included interesting landscape.  From wherever I was past Evanston, to Cheyenne, it was all flattish, brownish, hot-ish, dusty-ish.  Not having cell service for the entirety of the state actually turned out to be kinda nice.  Except when my car wouldn't go past 30 MPH on the uphills.  Thank God for truckers!  They don't care if you're in their lane with your hazards on...  

The scenery finally got interesting around Cheyenne, Wyoming.  It actually took my breath away because I HAD seen it before.  The rock formations coming out of the ground looked EXACTLY like the Grizzly River Run ride at Disneyland.  Nicely done, Disney, nicely done.

I could finally use my phone again, and got a couple worried messages, made a couple calls to let them know I was still alive, and drove on.

WELCOME TO COLORFUL COLORADO!

Northern Colorado is a blur:

Giant bison on a hill.

Anheuser-Busch brewery.

"This field of barley is being grown for Coors Brewing"

Why do these people drive like they're stoned??

They are. 

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!

South and South and South and South on I-25, then North on I-225 for just a bit....

Right now I am living in Aurora, Colorado with one of my best friends, his husband, and their roommate.  

Four days after I got here, I got a job.  It may be putting donuts in a bag, but it pays the bills.  My customers like me and the tips are increasing day by day. 

The uninhibited generosity I have experienced here is nothing short of a miracle.

When I think about who I was the day I left, it's so completely different that it feels like a bad dream.  Someone else entirely.  Having the freedom to just "be who I be" has effected an enormous change on me.  The most notable change being my appearance.  I am becoming more and more feminine every day.  It's bizarre, but good... and fun!

My other best friend sent me an amazing box of cosmetics and I am slowly figuring them out.  I am getting more comfortable in them every day.  

I no longer wear any men's clothing, except for a t-shirt if I'm just sitting around at home.  

My hair is long enough to pull back, and I am learning how to style it, but I need a haircut.

I bought a blow dryer and I'm even thinking about a flat iron.

I spend more time on my nails than I ever thought I would.

When I tell people my ex is a woman, they think I was the femme!

Like I said... WEIRD.

I feel like, for the first time in my life, I am ACTUALLY happy.  It is one of the strangest and most wonderful feelings in the world.

Life is GOOD.