I still suck at keeping a blog.

Yeah, it's been over 3 years since my last post.
So much has happened, I don't even know where to start.
This is going to be a long post.

In 2016, I started dating a guy. It didn't last very long. Long enough to learn about psychopaths, though.  I'll skim over the nasty details. I'd rather forget them anyway.

After a few months of... him, I found myself suddenly homeless and I lost my mind.
Not like, "OMG I literally lost my mind!"
More like, I ACTUALLY lost my mind.  Positively blibbering.
I packed up everything I could fit into a U-Haul truck and drove home to get help.
Spent my 36th birthday alone in a Montana truck stop casino, spending money I couldn't spare and drinking free red wine.

I landed in Mom and Dad's basement.
I thank God for Mom and Dad.  Every day.  I wouldn't be alive right now if not for them.

I went to the hospital and got myself enrolled in outpatient mental health treatment, where I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and medicated.

Fast forward through 2 years of therapy, medication changes, failed work attempts, disability applications, self harm, and growth.  More on that later.  Probably a lot more, if I remember to write it down.

Now I'm out of Mom and Dad's basement and living with an incredible man.  And too many roommates (they're actually pretty cool, but I miss having my own space).

We started dating June 2017, and after so many bad experiences with men I had every expectation that he would turn out to be a shitheel like the others.  Turns out I was wrong!  I couldn't ask for a more patient, supportive, understanding, and loving partner.  We've been talking about life and family and our future and we're on the same page about everything... It's amazing!  I told him early on that I wanted kids before I turn 40, so we're planning on having my birth control implant taken out my 39th birthday... in 8 months. OMG!

He's amazing... I call him my unicorn.

His presence in my life has changed me for the better.  He healed a heart I thought was cold and dead.  He saw something valuable in me when I thought I was worthless.  He loved me when I thought I was unlovable. 

Learning to trust someone the way I trust him has been challenging.  I spent a lot of time waiting for him to lie, to cheat, to fuck me over.  I struggle with jealousy.  My paranoid thoughts, courtesy of the BP, sometimes try to convince me that he's cheating, but this time I KNOW he's a good man. I KNOW he loves me. I KNOW he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.  My guts aren't screaming at me that this is wrong... and now that I have the presence of mind to listen.

It has taken me a long time and a lot of practice to distinguish between inappropriate thoughts and those that come from a "well mind".  I'm in a constant state of self awareness.  I've taught myself to be diligent about my thoughts and to guard myself against negativity and paranoia.  To recognize the thoughts that can signal a change in mood or the onset of a depressive or manic episode.

Episodes, by the way, can cause permanent brain damage.  And they have.
Again, a story for another day.

My "ideal" life has changed...

No more tiny house.
I want a real house, with a real yard, where I can grow a real garden and raise my real babies.

No more sailboat.
Okay, maybe after he retires and we go explore the world.  At any rate, I want a real bathroom with a real shower in the meantime.

Independence. Sigh.
I have more independence now than when I was in my parents' basement, but still not as much as I'd like.  I haven't been able to work in 2 years.  My first disability claim didn't pan out... My lawyer told me to withdraw and start over because I had a weak case and a tough judge.  Still trying to get disability but I can't go on living without an income.  I have some hopeful prospects for part time work, but nothing definite.  I'm not entirely sure that I can maintain stability without support.  Thankfully, I have support.

Weight. HA!
I was almost to my goal weight when I moved home (down to 175lbs!), but I was really sick.  I was so happy to be so skinny! I bought pants that were size 11, which I hadn't been able to wear since middle school!  I was REALLY sick, and not just with mental illness.  Since then, the meds have made me gain almost 100lbs and I'm currently trying to lose the "medication weight".

No more Princess Voldemort.
I'm sure she was a good cat, but she hated me.  She pissed on my head while I was asleep.  I left her at the goat farm, where I knew she would be able to live her cat life and not be taken to a shelter to be euthanized.

Calamity The Courageous Cowdog has turned out to be a lifesaver.  Literally.  She has saved my life more times than I can count.  Even now, as I'm learning stability, she's always there when I need her, by my side in times of crisis.  I try to give her the best life I can.  Hopefully someday I'll have a yard for her.  She is my heart, and, sometimes, my reason for living.

I most certainly do NOT want to be a goat farmer.  Fuck that shit.  Or sail around the world.  More on that later, too.  Hopefully.

I'm not sure what I want to be.  My goals are much less tangible these days.  I try to focus on things like positivity, stability, and small steps in the right direction.

No more sudden changes for me.
No more flights of fancy.
No more crazy adventures.
No more flying by the seat of my pants.

These days it's more about making connections, putting down roots, and growth.
Becoming a "real" person instead of an "interesting" person.
Learning to appreciate the mundane and small, everyday adventures.
Learning to appreciate stability, even though it's boring.
Learning to create healthy habits.

These days, more often than not, I find myself lonely and bored in the middle of the night.  He works graveyard and since I don't work, I'm on his schedule.  It's hard to make connections when everyone else is asleep.  I used to talk to one of my best friends late at night, but she died almost a year ago, and I miss her every day.  It doesn't matter how many times you go through the grief process, it still hurts just as much every time it starts anew.

My mind isn't what it used to be.  My memory has gone to shit and I can't remember a lot of my life.  I can't read like I used to.  I can't do algebra in my head anymore.  It's hard to focus and remember things.  I'm not as smart as I used to be.  But I'm learning to deal/live with it.  Not sure if it's the meds or the illness, but I guess it doesn't matter, it's my new reality.

I am no longer plagued by an overabundance of things.  I gave up most of my things, and the rest I haven't seen in years.  Some of it, like heirlooms from my great-grandma, I can't wait to use again, but that'll have to wait until he and I are masters of our own domain.  The rest I'll probably end up giving away.  No bigs.  I can wait.

I don't regret leaving my ex-wife.  Or any of the shit-asses I dated after her.  What I regret the most in my life is leaving the kiddo.  While it was right to leave her mom, it was wrong to leave town and leave her behind.  If I could go back, I would have stayed.  Can't go back and change the past, though.  I have to live with my regrets.  Thankfully, the kiddo doesn't hate me.  We're working on having a relationship as adults.  And that's more than I could have hoped for.  I love her, and I wish more than anything that I could have been a good parent to her.  But I failed in that respect, so now all I can do is be a good friend.

Holy cats, it's like 2 hrs past my bedtime.  And about 4 beers past my limit.
Fuck it. I needed to get this out.
Ima go snuggle with my unicorn and prepare for another day of abject boredom.
Better than being cray-cray!

Incidentally, I've been listening to Capital Cities as I write this.  On repeat.  Go figure.

A thought on connection.

Capital Cities - "Safe and Sound"

I'm obviously on a Capital Cities kick right now, but can you blame me? 

I love this song, but I had never seen the video until today.

STONEY SUPERPOWERS ENGAGE!

The song I put aside for a moment and look at just the video itself.

It's a multi-generational, multi-cultural time warp dance off. The content of the song doesn't really matter, it's just the song that everyone is dancing to.

Downbubble 47...

I believe that music is proof of intelligent design. It is the one thing that connects all humans everywhere from the time music was invented or discovered or whatever to now, and the intellectual aspect of human music separates us from the other inhabitants of this planet.  Yes, birds sing, but do they compose? Do they experiment? Do they try over and over, failing until they get it right? (I'm going to have to look that up. Maybe I just found my doctoral thesis.)

I think this video is a celebration of our connections to one another, across the globe and throughout time.  It is a happy reminder that even though we are all very different, and although change is inevitable, we are all connected, and really the same in the end. 

The video looks like heaven (the Christian one) to me. Maybe Nirvana (the Buddhist one).  Everyone accepting everyone else, enjoying each other's company and experience. Just getting along and gettin' down. 

And the song just kicks ass. A song about a deep, unshakable connection to another human being.  Not necessarily romantic, but not NOT romantic, either.

It's all about connection, man....

So, music is the one thing that connects us all. 

Humans are pretty fucking amazing when we're not busy being dickheads about shit that doesn't matter.  

That's enough waxing philosophical for one morning.

These are really good drugs, man.

It's been a hard day.

Spent most of the day scared and crying.  The future is a terrifying thing, so full of uncertainty...
I've always found that to conquer your fears, they must first be understood.

What am I afraid of?
-Being alone
-Failure
-Losing everything
-Regret

aaaand, DISCUSS.

Being alone: Right now, ALL I WANT IS TO BE ALONE.  I might even become a hermit.  For a while.  However, I do worry that I will never find a mate I am happy with.

Failure: Being unable to support myself, unable to afford a boat, unable to do anything, forced to move in with my mom.

Losing everything: An odd fear, since part of the master plan is to GET RID OF EVERYTHING, but nonetheless, I am still afraid of it.

Regret: Here's the big one.  I am so very afraid that I have made a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.

I need to work on letting go... of possessions, of regret, of fear.

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

It has been a busy weekend, to say the least.  I have an interview tomorrow morning that could really change things for me financially.  It's a work-from-home position with decent pay, good benefits, and some nice perks.  I'm really looking forward to it, as it will (hopefully) give me enough income to live on my own.

On Saturday, I told my wife that I am leaving.  We had a good run. 8 years is nothing to sneeze at, but some things just can't be fixed once they are broken.  I am far beyond placing blame at this point. We have both said and done things that hurt the other person, and after months (years) of trying to figure things out and fix them, I just can't do it anymore.  It's not that I think what we had isn't worth saving, it's that it's gone and can't be saved.  I'm not sure if she can see the difference right now, but hopefully someday she will.  We are planning on keeping this quiet for a while while we figure some things out. We are also planning to continue living together through the summer so we can each create a financial buffer for when we go our separate ways.  It is difficult for both of us, but I hope we will be able to remain friends and move on to greater things.  Even though it hurts, I feel like I made the right decision.  I feel like I can breathe again.



Sometimes, change is easy.  Sometimes.

It is time for me to lay down some plans, so here's a rough outline:

-take a deep breath
-collect pain & suffering settlement
-collect lost wages settlement
-cry
-work my butt off
-save every spare penny I can
-take a deep breath
-sell most of my stuff
-store some of my stuff
-pack a little of my stuff
-cry some more
-buy a reasonably sized sailboat with full galley and head for as little as possible
-move aboard aforementioned sailboat in a reasonably priced marina
-learn all I can about maintaining, upgrading, and sailing aforementioned boat
-work my butt off from the boat
-take a deep breath
-hopefully stop crying
-start living.


*deep breath*

Keep on truckin', kiddo, and keep the dirty side down.  You've got this.

Patience & letting go...

Today, I feel like the universe is conspiring against me.  I feel like so much has gone wrong since my birthday, and things just keep going wrong.  At times, I wonder if I really have THAT MUCH karmic debt.  I have not been a wonderful person, so it's certainly possible.  I try to make amends when and where I can, but maybe it's not enough?

But that is the negative point of view.  Maybe the universe is trying to TEACH me something, and I just haven't gotten the message yet.

Patience has never been my forte, and although I have grown a lot in that area, sometimes I still struggle, especially when it comes to instant gratification.  I am having a hard time waiting for Enterprise to call me back about the job I applied for, and last night, I applied for a loan to hopefully make things happen faster.  My loan application was denied, and that's a good thing.  I don't need more debt, and I need to learn to live within my  means... and that means learning to let go.

I thought that letting go would be much easier than it is turning out to be.  Letting go of the desire for things to happen RIGHT NOW has proven to be one of the most difficult.  Let go and let God.  One day at a time.  Guess I actually learned something from all those AA meetings.  Letting go of my possessions is becoming a challenge as well.  Not for most things, but some things with sentimental value, especially things from my grandparents and great-grandparents.  I have been trying to figure out how to let these things go.  Perhaps give them to someone in the family who will cherish them as much as I do?  Keep a couple things out of a collection and let go of the rest?  Take pictures?  Just put them in storage?

The one thing that is the most difficult to let go of is my fear.  Fear of what my family will think, fear of losing people I care about, fear of spending my life alone, fear of failure... even fear of success, because succeeding means changing my entire life... means forging ahead into uncharted waters... means my life will never be the same.

So, universe, are you trying to teach me patience? Are you trying to show me that the path to my dreams winds its way past my attachments, leaving them behind as I strive towards my goal, or just that there is still a lot of work to be done?  The only way to find out is to be patient and see what happens.  Guess I have my answer.

Thought for the day...

The time has come to stop doubting myself and stop letting other people dictate the way I live my life.

Destiny

Scars...

Dreams

Lying on the couch, under the influence of vicodin (legally prescribed!) is the perfect time to ponder my dreams.  
What would my ideal life look like?
Forget the influences of friends, family, society...
Throw away social norms, ignore imagined boundaries...

The life I've only dreamed of:

Simple
Free
Unfettered
Independent
Self-sufficient
Healthy
Travel
Explore
Learn
See
Do

Follow my insatiable thirst for knowledge and voracious appetite for adventure
Live a life less ordinary

Live simply, without so many attachments
More time doing things that mean something, less time watching tv
Be able to wake up and think "Hell yes, this is my life, and it's fucking amazing."
Buck the system, lose the 9 to 5
Eat well
Free from obligations
Answer to no one but myself
Be able to just enjoy being alive

How do I achieve this?

Get rid of almost everything - pare down to bare necessities, downsize what I keep
Get a different job - flexible, mobile, atypical
Fly solo - sever attachments and obligations
Live cheap - low rent, few or no extra services
Live my mantra - Do the crazy thing, the abnormal thing, the weird thing.
Be EXTRAORDINARY.

Sounds like a lot of work.  Bring it on!

An introduction to my life...

At the moment, I am 32 years old, living in the same apartment I have been in for 8 years, in a relationship with a questionable future, working a mediocre job for a company I don't like, and wondering where my life is going.

I spend most of my free time sitting on my couch, watching netflix on my 50" flat screen, and eating junk food.  I have an overabundance of possessions I don't use and too many hobbies, most of which I don't have time for... presumably because I am busy watching TV.

I am disgruntled, disappointed, disenchanted, and, at times, disgusted.
I am not happy with my life.

The simple answer, of course, is to change the things that make me unhappy.

The question is... What do I want?  Seems easy enough, but then I realized my life needs a complete overhaul, and thinking about what I need to change leaves me overwhelmed, frustrated, and feeling hopeless.

I want to use this blog to document my journey from the mundane to wherever I am going!