A year and 8 months later.
Life has, once again, pulled the rug out from under me. Where do I even start?
I suppose I'll skip back a few posts...
In April, 2013, I got a roommate, whom I met online. He seemed like a great guy, not a weirdo, and it seemed like we would make good roommates, even friends.
We started dating after 2 months.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED:
NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT.
ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT, EVEN WHEN YOUR HEAD AND HEART DISAGREE.
DO NOT BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU ARE TOLD.
I AM NOT PARANOID-SCHIZOPHRENIC.
For 18 months, I let him knock me down (not physically), inch by miserable inch, until I felt so worthless and disgusting that I didn't want to live anymore. He broke me in ways I didn't know I could be broken.
He would usually answer my verbal requests for sex with "maybe" or "later".
He told me all the things I wanted to hear and that he would give me all the things I wanted. We even planned for me to stop taking the pill on my 35th birthday so we could start trying for a family.
He would physically flinch away from me when I tried to touch him. EVERY TIME.
He lied and lied and lied and lied. About everything. Stupid shit, like where he found the misplaced set of sheets. Devastating shit, like taking dicks from Craigslist up his ass. Everything.
I would tell myself over and over and over "He wouldn't do that. He's a good man. He loves you", ignoring the constant feeling that he was lying to me, until I finally sought professional help because I thought I was developing paranoid schizophrenia.
Funny how the moment I told him it was over, I felt sane again.
(At this point, I have to touch on the subject of Karmic Debt. As horrible as he was to me, I feel I deserved every bit of it, having been the same kind of person in the past and having done the same kinds of things. I feel much worse about the person I was than I do about the fallout from this relationship. I never realized just how incredibly devastating my actions were until I experienced them for myself. I have certainly learned my lesson. He was the FIRST partner I've ever had that I was completely honest with (about everything) and completely faithful to. For as long as I inhabit this body, I will never inflict that kind of pain on another living being.
Boy, howdy, that Karma sure is a nasty bitch.
On December 13th, I moved his shit out of our room and put a lock on the door.
(Also the first time I wore the Max Azria dress in public... to the company Christmas party.)
On Christmas Eve, I had a full STD panel done. Clean, thankyougod.
Nothing to do but kick some grass over that shit and move on.
On Valentine's Day, I moved into a new apartment with a friend/coworker. It's working out much better than I expected, but then again, I am a finicky pain in the ass.
THE IDES OF MARCH - Started seeing a guy. He's pretty rad, but then again, I seem to have horrible taste in partners. Men especially. Time will tell.
Now, I had expected, by March, to be pretty well over things, but here it is, the end of April, and I'm still coping.
Can you say "SELF-IMAGE, TRUST AND INTIMACY ISSUES"?
I have a stable job at the moment, as a reservations agent, which is good.
I have health insurance and FMLA, which is really good.
The job at the bird rescue was seasonal, unfortunately, but I learned a lot!
I have a herniated disc in my back, between L5 & S1, and moving really took a toll. I have missed a lot of work this year already because of it.
I worked a whopping 4 hours this week. Out of 40.
I'm also looking at surgery for my back.
I had some steroid/lidocaine injected into my spine, and it only lasted about a month.
Not much else on the surgery front until my appointment next week.
You know it's bad when you're planning on begging your doctor to cut you open and futz with your spine.
As for the future?
I'm planning on going back to school this fall to finish my Bachelor's Degree in Biology.
I have applied for admissions to MSU Denver and filled out my FAFSA.
I'm going to focus on Ornithology, because I want to get paid to look at birds.
I'm not sure what my minor will be. Brewing Science? Art? Geology?
Hopefully the surgery will fix me enough to get back on my bike, since I won't have a car.
Still planning on sailing the fuck outta Dodge.
More importantly, the present...
The constant pain has affected my depression pretty seriously. Most days, I wish I could just pop out of existence.
I remind myself many times a day that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
I've been practicing "aggressive self love" every day, too, which generally consists of standing naked in front of the mirror and saying "I love you" to all the parts of me I hate.
I'm incredibly homesick, and I feel so alone sometimes.
I have been cigarette free for almost 5 months.
And so I don't forget, Calamity The Courageous Cowdog and Voldemort are the best furrykids a petmom could have. Without them, I never would have made it to 35.
blargle.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Faith
There have been many instances in my life when I have relied heavily upon my faith. My faith has carried me through loss, tragedy, and hardship, and some days my faith is all that gets me out of bed. That's not to say I have never suffered a crisis of faith. Quite the contrary. There was a point in my life when I lost my faith altogether. During that time, I learned a lot about Buddhism, and found that by applying Buddhist practices and concepts to my life, I was a better Christian. These days, I follow the teachings of the Buddha and Jesus Christ, both bodhisattvas in their own right, to help me through. I do not worship the Buddha, I am simply and deeply grateful for his teachings and guidance.
In following the Buddhist path to enlightenment, the first things I learned were the Four Noble Truths:
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering.
That path is called the Eight-Fold Path:
1. Right View - To realize the Four Noble Truths;
2. Right Intention - Commitment to ethical and mental self-improvement;
3. Right Speech - Do not lie, slander, or engage in meaningless, idle chatter;
4. Right Action - Don't steal or harm sentient beings and abstain from sexual misconduct;
5. Right Livelihood - Earn one's living in a righteous way, legally, ethically, peacefully;
6. Right Effort - Use your energy for positive change, not negative change;
7. Right Mindfulness - Actively observe and control the direction one's thoughts take;
8. Right Concentration - Concentrate on wholesome thoughts and actions, one at a time.
Right now, I am working on Right Intention and making changes in my life that will help me continue my self-improvement. In the past, I worked on improving myself because I thought if I was a better person, better things would happen to me, that if I followed the path, it would lead me to fortune. Even now, it may seem that all this is leading up to some monumental gain, and that I am simply following the rules until I hit the jackpot. In a sense, I am, but not for what I hope to gain. Now I am working to be a better person simply for the sake of being a better person. For nothing tangible nor of monetary value, but for that which is invaluable to me:
The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the world's ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.
-Atisha (11th century Tibetan Buddhist master)
In following the Buddhist path to enlightenment, the first things I learned were the Four Noble Truths:
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering.
That path is called the Eight-Fold Path:
1. Right View - To realize the Four Noble Truths;
2. Right Intention - Commitment to ethical and mental self-improvement;
3. Right Speech - Do not lie, slander, or engage in meaningless, idle chatter;
4. Right Action - Don't steal or harm sentient beings and abstain from sexual misconduct;
5. Right Livelihood - Earn one's living in a righteous way, legally, ethically, peacefully;
6. Right Effort - Use your energy for positive change, not negative change;
7. Right Mindfulness - Actively observe and control the direction one's thoughts take;
8. Right Concentration - Concentrate on wholesome thoughts and actions, one at a time.
Right now, I am working on Right Intention and making changes in my life that will help me continue my self-improvement. In the past, I worked on improving myself because I thought if I was a better person, better things would happen to me, that if I followed the path, it would lead me to fortune. Even now, it may seem that all this is leading up to some monumental gain, and that I am simply following the rules until I hit the jackpot. In a sense, I am, but not for what I hope to gain. Now I am working to be a better person simply for the sake of being a better person. For nothing tangible nor of monetary value, but for that which is invaluable to me:
The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the world's ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.
-Atisha (11th century Tibetan Buddhist master)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
It's been a hard day.
Spent most of the day scared and crying. The future is a terrifying thing, so full of uncertainty...
I've always found that to conquer your fears, they must first be understood.
What am I afraid of?
-Being alone
-Failure
-Losing everything
-Regret
aaaand, DISCUSS.
Being alone: Right now, ALL I WANT IS TO BE ALONE. I might even become a hermit. For a while. However, I do worry that I will never find a mate I am happy with.
Failure: Being unable to support myself, unable to afford a boat, unable to do anything, forced to move in with my mom.
Losing everything: An odd fear, since part of the master plan is to GET RID OF EVERYTHING, but nonetheless, I am still afraid of it.
Regret: Here's the big one. I am so very afraid that I have made a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.
I need to work on letting go... of possessions, of regret, of fear.
I've always found that to conquer your fears, they must first be understood.
What am I afraid of?
-Being alone
-Failure
-Losing everything
-Regret
aaaand, DISCUSS.
Being alone: Right now, ALL I WANT IS TO BE ALONE. I might even become a hermit. For a while. However, I do worry that I will never find a mate I am happy with.
Failure: Being unable to support myself, unable to afford a boat, unable to do anything, forced to move in with my mom.
Losing everything: An odd fear, since part of the master plan is to GET RID OF EVERYTHING, but nonetheless, I am still afraid of it.
Regret: Here's the big one. I am so very afraid that I have made a decision I will regret for the rest of my life.
I need to work on letting go... of possessions, of regret, of fear.
Ch-ch-ch-changes...
It has been a busy weekend, to say the least. I have an interview tomorrow morning that could really change things for me financially. It's a work-from-home position with decent pay, good benefits, and some nice perks. I'm really looking forward to it, as it will (hopefully) give me enough income to live on my own.
On Saturday, I told my wife that I am leaving. We had a good run. 8 years is nothing to sneeze at, but some things just can't be fixed once they are broken. I am far beyond placing blame at this point. We have both said and done things that hurt the other person, and after months (years) of trying to figure things out and fix them, I just can't do it anymore. It's not that I think what we had isn't worth saving, it's that it's gone and can't be saved. I'm not sure if she can see the difference right now, but hopefully someday she will. We are planning on keeping this quiet for a while while we figure some things out. We are also planning to continue living together through the summer so we can each create a financial buffer for when we go our separate ways. It is difficult for both of us, but I hope we will be able to remain friends and move on to greater things. Even though it hurts, I feel like I made the right decision. I feel like I can breathe again.
Sometimes, change is easy. Sometimes.
It is time for me to lay down some plans, so here's a rough outline:
-take a deep breath
-collect pain & suffering settlement
-collect lost wages settlement
-cry
-work my butt off
-save every spare penny I can
-take a deep breath
-sell most of my stuff
-store some of my stuff
-pack a little of my stuff
-cry some more
-buy a reasonably sized sailboat with full galley and head for as little as possible
-move aboard aforementioned sailboat in a reasonably priced marina
-learn all I can about maintaining, upgrading, and sailing aforementioned boat
-work my butt off from the boat
-take a deep breath
-hopefully stop crying
-start living.
*deep breath*
Keep on truckin', kiddo, and keep the dirty side down. You've got this.
On Saturday, I told my wife that I am leaving. We had a good run. 8 years is nothing to sneeze at, but some things just can't be fixed once they are broken. I am far beyond placing blame at this point. We have both said and done things that hurt the other person, and after months (years) of trying to figure things out and fix them, I just can't do it anymore. It's not that I think what we had isn't worth saving, it's that it's gone and can't be saved. I'm not sure if she can see the difference right now, but hopefully someday she will. We are planning on keeping this quiet for a while while we figure some things out. We are also planning to continue living together through the summer so we can each create a financial buffer for when we go our separate ways. It is difficult for both of us, but I hope we will be able to remain friends and move on to greater things. Even though it hurts, I feel like I made the right decision. I feel like I can breathe again.
Sometimes, change is easy. Sometimes.
It is time for me to lay down some plans, so here's a rough outline:
-take a deep breath-collect pain & suffering settlement
-collect lost wages settlement
-cry
-work my butt off
-save every spare penny I can
-take a deep breath
-sell most of my stuff
-store some of my stuff
-pack a little of my stuff
-cry some more
-buy a reasonably sized sailboat with full galley and head for as little as possible
-move aboard aforementioned sailboat in a reasonably priced marina
-learn all I can about maintaining, upgrading, and sailing aforementioned boat
-work my butt off from the boat
-take a deep breath
-hopefully stop crying
-start living.
*deep breath*
Keep on truckin', kiddo, and keep the dirty side down. You've got this.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Patience & letting go...
But that is the negative point of view. Maybe the universe is trying to TEACH me something, and I just haven't gotten the message yet.
Patience has never been my forte, and although I have grown a lot in that area, sometimes I still struggle, especially when it comes to instant gratification. I am having a hard time waiting for Enterprise to call me back about the job I applied for, and last night, I applied for a loan to hopefully make things happen faster. My loan application was denied, and that's a good thing. I don't need more debt, and I need to learn to live within my means... and that means learning to let go.
I thought that letting go would be much easier than it is turning out to be. Letting go of the desire for things to happen RIGHT NOW has proven to be one of the most difficult. Let go and let God. One day at a time. Guess I actually learned something from all those AA meetings. Letting go of my possessions is becoming a challenge as well. Not for most things, but some things with sentimental value, especially things from my grandparents and great-grandparents. I have been trying to figure out how to let these things go. Perhaps give them to someone in the family who will cherish them as much as I do? Keep a couple things out of a collection and let go of the rest? Take pictures? Just put them in storage?
The one thing that is the most difficult to let go of is my fear. Fear of what my family will think, fear of losing people I care about, fear of spending my life alone, fear of failure... even fear of success, because succeeding means changing my entire life... means forging ahead into uncharted waters... means my life will never be the same.
So, universe, are you trying to teach me patience? Are you trying to show me that the path to my dreams winds its way past my attachments, leaving them behind as I strive towards my goal, or just that there is still a lot of work to be done? The only way to find out is to be patient and see what happens. Guess I have my answer.
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