It's good shit.

Capital Cities - "Farrah Fawcett Hair"

The last few weeks have been pretty stressful and incredibly depressing.  After a long drive in the mountains the other day, I decided that I needed to put more effort into positive thinking, more focus on what makes me happy rather than what's making me miserable.

So what makes me happy?

Right now? Opiates. HA. I'm a little loopy.

Riding my bike in the rain.  Daffodils.  Standing with my toes in the mighty Pacific, feeling small.  The smell of strawberry fields in the morning.  Holding hands.  Fresh picked blackberries, warm from the sun.  Taking a 4 hour bubble bath and reading a book.  Lightning storms.  Hiking slowly, taking time to experience it.  The smell of lavender and chamomile.  Slipping between clean sheets when I'm fresh from the shower.  Maps.  Listening to music and singing and dancing to it like a fool when I'm alone.  Dreams of the sea and of sailing away.  Sitting quietly and watching birds.  The way he makes me feel.  Beachcombing.  A good whiskey and a fine cigar.  Petting Princess Voldemort.  The way my mom smells.  Spending the day at a coffee shop, reading a book and ignoring the world at large.  Fresh caught, field dressed trout cooked over a campfire.  Holding my loved ones close.  The way my body aches after a day of hard work.  Learning. Always learning.  Morning sex followed by orange juice and croissants. And a shower.  Traveling as far and for as long as possible. And as often as possible.  My favorite sweatpants and hoodie, fresh from the dryer.  Puddlejumping!  Warm, sweetened milk with vanilla and nutmeg.  Spending time with Calamity, especially outside.  Art, in all its many forms.  Mexican culture.  Listening to marimba and mariachi bands while eating tortas cubanos in el zocalo in Oaxaca.  Mezcal.  The way music beats through my veins.  Burying my face in spring's first rain kissed lilacs.  Justin Timberlake.  Lifting weights.  The austere beauty of the Aleutian Islands in midwinter.  Sleeping, preferably not alone.  Sketching.  Snowflakes so big you can see each one clearly.  Creating meals for people I care about.  Mediterranean food.  Sipping mimosas while getting a spa pedicure in a massage chair.  The miracle that is the human body.  Running on a treadmill.  The hum of bike tires on pavement.  Making things evolve from sheets of metal, especially copper.  The moment the solder starts to flow.  Sunrise.  Drinking my own beer.  The burgeoning of spring.  Baking pies.  Driving fast with the windows down and the music up.  The way cherry blossoms fall like pink snow in Portland.  Flying a kite.  Yoga.  Planning a trip to Finland to stay at an ice hotel and watch the Aurora Borealis.  Hats, bags, and shoes.  Trying new things, eating new foods, seeing new places, smelling new smells.  Cheese.  Working the dirt with my hands, making things grow.   The smell of diesel exhaust.  Volunteering.  The kindness and generosity that surprises me on a daily basis.  Muscle cars.  Finding cool shit at thrift stores and yard sales.  Independence.  Watching the sky.  Freedom.  Spreading lovingkindness around the universe as much as I possibly can.  Plaid flannel shirts.  Following the Eight Fold Path.  Realizing the Four Noble Truths.  Belt buckles and tooled leather belts.  Doing absolutely nothing at all.

Wow.  That was an interesting experiment.  I actually feel a lot better!  It took hours longer than I thought it would, but when you're writing down the things that make you happy, the longer, the better, I suppose.

(heh...heh...  Shut up, Beavis.)

As a part of my "aggressive self love", I have given my little super magnifying mirror and my good tweezers to my roommate and asked her to hide them from me.  It is a difficult but necessary step away from that particular neurosis.  I think healthier skin and less visible forehead space will be the most severe side effects.  Just another bad habit to break.  Going to have to spend more on waxing, though.

Just a little while longer... then I'll be all fixed up and ready to take on the world!
But for now, the drugs are wearing off and it's past my bedtime,,, I'm overdue for some very sweet dreams!

Ch-ch-ch-changes...

It has been a busy weekend, to say the least.  I have an interview tomorrow morning that could really change things for me financially.  It's a work-from-home position with decent pay, good benefits, and some nice perks.  I'm really looking forward to it, as it will (hopefully) give me enough income to live on my own.

On Saturday, I told my wife that I am leaving.  We had a good run. 8 years is nothing to sneeze at, but some things just can't be fixed once they are broken.  I am far beyond placing blame at this point. We have both said and done things that hurt the other person, and after months (years) of trying to figure things out and fix them, I just can't do it anymore.  It's not that I think what we had isn't worth saving, it's that it's gone and can't be saved.  I'm not sure if she can see the difference right now, but hopefully someday she will.  We are planning on keeping this quiet for a while while we figure some things out. We are also planning to continue living together through the summer so we can each create a financial buffer for when we go our separate ways.  It is difficult for both of us, but I hope we will be able to remain friends and move on to greater things.  Even though it hurts, I feel like I made the right decision.  I feel like I can breathe again.



Sometimes, change is easy.  Sometimes.

It is time for me to lay down some plans, so here's a rough outline:

-take a deep breath
-collect pain & suffering settlement
-collect lost wages settlement
-cry
-work my butt off
-save every spare penny I can
-take a deep breath
-sell most of my stuff
-store some of my stuff
-pack a little of my stuff
-cry some more
-buy a reasonably sized sailboat with full galley and head for as little as possible
-move aboard aforementioned sailboat in a reasonably priced marina
-learn all I can about maintaining, upgrading, and sailing aforementioned boat
-work my butt off from the boat
-take a deep breath
-hopefully stop crying
-start living.


*deep breath*

Keep on truckin', kiddo, and keep the dirty side down.  You've got this.

Patience & letting go...

Today, I feel like the universe is conspiring against me.  I feel like so much has gone wrong since my birthday, and things just keep going wrong.  At times, I wonder if I really have THAT MUCH karmic debt.  I have not been a wonderful person, so it's certainly possible.  I try to make amends when and where I can, but maybe it's not enough?

But that is the negative point of view.  Maybe the universe is trying to TEACH me something, and I just haven't gotten the message yet.

Patience has never been my forte, and although I have grown a lot in that area, sometimes I still struggle, especially when it comes to instant gratification.  I am having a hard time waiting for Enterprise to call me back about the job I applied for, and last night, I applied for a loan to hopefully make things happen faster.  My loan application was denied, and that's a good thing.  I don't need more debt, and I need to learn to live within my  means... and that means learning to let go.

I thought that letting go would be much easier than it is turning out to be.  Letting go of the desire for things to happen RIGHT NOW has proven to be one of the most difficult.  Let go and let God.  One day at a time.  Guess I actually learned something from all those AA meetings.  Letting go of my possessions is becoming a challenge as well.  Not for most things, but some things with sentimental value, especially things from my grandparents and great-grandparents.  I have been trying to figure out how to let these things go.  Perhaps give them to someone in the family who will cherish them as much as I do?  Keep a couple things out of a collection and let go of the rest?  Take pictures?  Just put them in storage?

The one thing that is the most difficult to let go of is my fear.  Fear of what my family will think, fear of losing people I care about, fear of spending my life alone, fear of failure... even fear of success, because succeeding means changing my entire life... means forging ahead into uncharted waters... means my life will never be the same.

So, universe, are you trying to teach me patience? Are you trying to show me that the path to my dreams winds its way past my attachments, leaving them behind as I strive towards my goal, or just that there is still a lot of work to be done?  The only way to find out is to be patient and see what happens.  Guess I have my answer.

Thought for the day...

The time has come to stop doubting myself and stop letting other people dictate the way I live my life.

Destiny

Scars...

Choice

Today I was supposed to ride my first century ride, but since I sprained my shoulder in the accident, I had to cancel.  Instead, I had coffee with a friend, and was left with a lot to think about...

I am a meaning machine. I make meaning.
My life is empty and meaningless.
My life is an empty vessel, waiting to be filled with the meanings I create.

Currently, life as I see it is distorted by the many influencing experiences I have had, as though each experience is a set of lenses through which I view myself, others, and, in turn, my life:

-Growing up as an only child has left me feeling like I am alone, without community.

-The nicknames given to me by my parents as a child (uglybug, marshmallow, ug) have left me feeling like I will never be beautiful or desirable.

-Growing up in a home riddled with fear and abuse, both verbal and emotional, has left me hesitant to create strong emotional bonds with others, and led me to abusive relationships later in life.  This has exacerbated the feeling that I am alone in the world.

-Having a father who used to be abusive towards my mom and me, who had anger control issues, and who devalues the things I hold dear, does not keep his promises, and does not make an effort to express positive attitudes towards me has made it extremely hard for me to trust men.  This is a huge can of worms that has never been fully opened.  My therapist will make a lot of money off my daddy issues.

-The death of my sister (as well as my grammy and all the others, but mostly my sister) has left me with an underlying attitude/thought stream/script that nothing really matters, you can't take it with you, we are all going to die anyway, so what's the point?

Remove the lenses of influence, let go of the past.  Only then can you truly move forward.

If you peel away your fears, you are left with only the self.

My choices are mine to make, no one else's.  I can choose what I wish, but must own my choices.  In order for my choices to be truly mine, must they be free from the influences of the past? From the influences of others?